Why Do People Keep Going Back to Their Ex—and How to Stop
If you’ve ever found yourself reconnecting with an ex you vowed to leave behind, you’re not alone. Maybe you’ve sent a late-night text you later regretted or scrolled through their Instagram, reminiscing about what was. This pattern, often called “relationship churning,” is common at all ages, not just among young adults.
Rekindling a past relationship isn’t always a mistake, but it can become problematic if it brings more pain than joy or rekindles unhealthy dynamics. So why do we find it so hard to let go? And how can we truly move on when it’s what’s best for us? Let’s explore the psychology behind this pattern—and how I, as a counsellor, can support you in breaking free.
The Psychology of Going Back
1. The Pull of the Familiar
When we’re in love, our brains are flooded with dopamine, a neurotransmitter that drives pleasure and reward. Over time, this creates a deep neural connection to our partner, much like a habit. Even after a breakup, the brain continues to crave the comfort and joy that person once brought, making it tempting to reconnect—even when we know it’s not the best decision.
2. A Shaken Sense of Self
Breakups often leave us questioning who we are. Research shows that ending a relationship can diminish “self-concept clarity”—our understanding of ourselves. This is especially true for those with an anxious attachment style, who may have intertwined their identity with their partner’s. Reuniting with an ex can temporarily restore that sense of wholeness, but it doesn’t address the underlying issue of rediscovering your identity independently.
3. Escaping Pain and Loneliness
Breakups hurt. The pain of loss, combined with the loneliness that often follows, can make the idea of reconnecting with an ex irresistible. Even unsuccessful attempts at dating can push people back toward a familiar partner, seeing them as a source of comfort and security.
How I Can Help You Let Go
As a counsellor, I’ve guided many individuals through the process of breaking free from this cycle. It’s not easy, but with the right strategies and support, it’s entirely possible. Here’s how we can work together:
1. Breaking the Cycle
The first step is understanding the power of no contact. This isn’t just about avoiding physical contact but also resisting the urge to check their social media, send messages, or revisit old memories. Together, we’ll create a plan to establish and maintain this boundary, ensuring your brain has the space it needs to heal.
2. Allowing Yourself to Grieve
Breakups are a form of loss, and it’s okay to mourn. I’ll provide you with a safe, supportive space to process these emotions and work through the pain in a healthy way.
3. Rebuilding Your Identity
We’ll focus on rediscovering who you are outside the relationship. Whether it’s pursuing hobbies, setting personal goals, or exploring new interests, this process helps you regain clarity and confidence in yourself.
4. Addressing Attachment Styles
If you identify with an anxious attachment style or other relational patterns, we’ll work on understanding and addressing them. This insight can help you create healthier relationships in the future.
5. Moving Forward with Support
Healing takes time, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Whether through one-on-one counselling, support groups, or connecting with loved ones, I’ll help you build the support network you need to thrive.
Finding Freedom
It’s normal to feel stuck in the cycle of reconnecting with an ex, but you don’t have to stay there. With time, effort, and the right guidance, you can break free, heal, and build a future that aligns with your happiness and growth.
If you’re ready to take the first step, I’m here to help. Together, we’ll navigate this journey and work toward a brighter, healthier chapter of your life.
Warm Regards,
Ioana Popa
